Archives for category: your ass is huge


East Bay is Pig Latin for BEAST. I really wanted to find The Beast’s best burger, without having to follow any hipster foodie-type counseling.

I thought about taking on this very important task… but, I’m large. I can’t go around researching the quality of hamburgers while I still intend to fit my fat ass into an affordable compact vehicle.

That said, I believe I found the best hamburger in The Beast by accident.

My son and I met a group of persons that I enjoy on the patio at El Charro in Lafayette. I ordered a kids’ burger for my Prince who is all of three years old. The dish I ordered for myself was a complete abortion. I couldn’t even look down. While he was busy emptying the salt and pepper shakers, I counted 10 Mississippi.

Baby Boy just wasn’t hungry.

I dove in.

I had my very first Hamburgasm. It was the best burger I’ve ever had… (and I don’t care who you are. I’ve eaten more hamburgers than you.)

But, I mean, People… I was really very hungry… and we all know that Hunger is the bestest Chef of all the chefs.

So I went again last night. I watched in sick satisfaction as my little Prince completely ignored his meal. After the check was paid, I put that culinary work of art into my purse and hurriedly hauled my ass home. I waited an eternity for Baby Boy to fall asleep, so that El Charro Kid Burger and I could be alone. By the time that happened the bun was but a sponge, but it didn’t matter… because of that beloved beef patty.

That beef patty was everything.

…I believe the Holy Grail of Hamburgers is right here, in the belly of The Beast.

Have you ever had a tantrum over the closing of a restaurant?

My fat ass threw the mother of all fits when some killjoy told it that florent got bullied out of its lease at 69 Gansevoort Street. Some filthy animal wanted 30 G’s a month to keep the beauty alive.


My answer to this absolute blasphemy was to give the Meat Packing district, in its entirety, the HAND. I refused to grace its greedy blood soaked cobblestones with my adorable adidas EVER again.

(…until about six weeks later when some trick with significant shoulders offered to buy me a black and blue double porterhouse coupled with a bottomless Diet Coke.)

Guys! it was totally Field of Dreams. But so much more watchable.


The cornfield is a neglected parcel of lower Manhattan. Kevin Costner’s almost-as-boring-as-a-baseball-game character is, instead, played by a colorful Frenchman called Florent Morellet. Shoeless Joe Jackson comes, indeed… but he comes to 69 Gansevoort Street, and that barefoot bitch stays for nearly 23 years… in the form of the pinpoint perfect clientele. If every restauranteur could be so lucky; edgy celebrities, drunk drag queens, transgender prostitutes, and a hodge podge of insatiable late night lunatics.

…and the child that chokes herself unconscious on a hot dog?

…that’s my twentysomething ass.

Interpret that as you will, and let your sick mind meander… my floriend.

bitten funfetti twinkie funfetti twinkie

makes 18-22 oblong cakes
base cake recipe adapted from King Arthur Flour

Note: This recipe uses a cream canoe pan but can easily be turned into cupcakes. You just need to increase the baking time. For regular Twinkies, eliminate the sprinkles from the cake and the filling.

240g (2 cups) cake flour
300g (1 1/2 cups) granulated sugar
1 Tbsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt
1/2 cup vegetable oil
3/4 cup cold water
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1/4 tsp. butter flavoring
7 eggs, separated
1/2 cup rainbow jimmies
Marshmallow Cream Filling (recipe below)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour a cream canoe pan and set aside.

In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, mix flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt on low (2 on a KitchenAid) speed until combined. In a medium bowl, lightly mix oil, water, vanilla, butter flavoring, and egg yolks (the mixture will not completely come together, that’s ok). With the mixer on low, add wet ingredients to the dry ingredients and mix until smooth.

In a separate bowl, whip egg whites until stiff. Fold the whites into the batter in thirds until no streaks remain. Add the jimmies to the batter along with the last third of whites, folding in the same manner.  Do not over-mix.

Using a pyrex glass measuring cup or bowl with a lip, slowly pour the batter into each well of the prepared pan until 2/3 full. (Unless you have multiple cream canoe pans, you will be baking these in batches. Be sure to give the batter a light mix in between batches to redistribute sprinkles that have sunk to the bottom.) Bake for 10-12 minutes, until tester comes out clean and cakes spring back when touched.

Let cool in the pan for 5 minutes then quickly invert the pan over a cooling rack. The cakes should easily come out of the pan. If they don’t, tap the edge of the pan lightly on the cooling rack. Let cakes cool completely before filling.

Once cakes have cooled, use a skewer to make three evenly spaced holes in the bottom of the cakes, gently swirling the skewer around inside the cake to make a little room for the filling. (I have made these without making the holes, and it works fine. You just won’t get quite as much filling in the cake.) Place filling in a pastry bag fitted with a small round tip. Squeeze filling into each hole in the cake until you feel the cake expand just slightly.

Cakes will keep in an airtight container for a few days. I individually wrapped mine in plastic wrap.


makes about 3 cups

150 g (3/4 cup) granulated sugar
1/2 cup light corn syrup
1/4 cup water
pinch salt
2 egg whites, at room temperature
1/4 tsp. cream of tartar
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla bean paste or 1/2 vanilla bean, scraped

Place sugar, corn syrup, water, and salt in a small saucepan and whisk to combine. Place pan over medium-high heat and cook, stirring occasionally, until the mixture reaches 240 degrees F.

While the sugar syrup is heating, place egg whites and cream of tartar in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the whisk attachment. When the syrup is getting close to 240, turn the mixer to medium-high speed (6 on a KitchenAid) and whip the egg whites to soft peaks. Turn mixer off until syrup is ready.

As soon as the sugar syrup reaches 240, remove from the heat. With the mixer on low (2 on a KitchenAid), slowly pour the syrup down the inside of the mixing bowl. Once all of the syrup has been added, increase the mixer speed to medium-high and whip until the mixture forms stiff, shiny peaks and the outside of the mixing bowl feels neutral in temperature, 5-8 minutes. Mix in the vanilla bean paste or seeds until incorporated. Marshmallow fluff will keep stored in an airtight container in the refrigerator for a little over a week.

Yellow Period Food

Yellow Cake Fudge Squares


  • 1 cup yellow cake mix
  • 1 cup confectioners’ sugar
  • 1/2 stick (1/4 cup) butter or margarine, cut into small squares
  • 1/4 cup milk or 1/8 cup soy milk
  • sprinkles (optional)


Mix cake mix and icing sugar in microwave-safe bowl. Add butter and milk. Don’t stir.

Microwave for 2 minutes. Stir immediately until completely combined. Add sprinkles. Do not overmix as sprinkle colour may bleed.

Spread into greased pan. Refrigerate for at least one hour.

* Makes one 6 x 6” container, or double for an 8 x 8” pan.
** Notes: If the batter comes out too runny, stir in about 1 tsp or sugar or cake mix at a time until stiff. If too thick to stir in all components, slowly add 1/2 tsp of milk at a time, but batter should be thick!

Japanese Etiquette

This is amazing! I wish my fat ass saw this years ago. No, I’m being sarcastic. I still would have stuffed and shoveled whilst slouching. (Is there any other way?) We all know ignorance is bliss, and that’s why Americans are so beloved. We are teeming with blissfulness! At least I was, until I accidentally read this lesson in etiquette that I thought was a comic strip.


I’m going to search for more information on this subject so I can ruin or enhance all of your future ethnic dining experiences, depending on how much control you have… but first I need to go tidy up a few plates of food. By that I mean, go eat a lot of food.


the recipe for this deliciousness follows

the recipe for this deliciousness follows

Jiffy Corn Dogs:

I used 1 box Jiffy Corn Bread mix, 3 hot dogs (Cut in 1/6ths), and a mini cupcake pan. Prepare corn bread as box directs, fill muffin cups 2/3, press hot dog section in center, bake @ 400 for 15-20 min.


Here is a great story that promises to reveal my extreme elegance.

I used to live in Queens without a car and the Key Food was just too far for my fat ass. I mean, if I was going to walk all the way to Queens Boulevard for food I would just hit White Castle. So on the way home from the train I’d stop at the bodega and buy the kind of food that your parents had in the basement for emergency scenarios. The kind of food you left in the poor people crate at school during Thanksgiving. The kind of food that never, ever, ever goes bad.

My mom used to serve up Spaghettio’s. I have never not loved Chef Boyardee‘s classic collection of foodstuffs. It was, and has always been my favorite sort of lunch.

I went out one night and drank a huge mess of alcohol, took a taxi home and was fucking thrilled to find a couple of cans of Spaghettio’s with hot dog bits in my otherwise thirsty kitchen cabinet.

I piled both 14 ounce cans into a 24 ounce bowl. I waited anxiously by the microwave. I watched the bowl rotate and the orange sauce splatter about as the reflection of my lazy eye tried to focus on its next meal. I nearly fell asleep waiting.

I took the bowl to bed because that’s what single girls do. They eat buckets of orange food in bed. (Someone let the execs at  Victoria’s Secret in on the real deal.)

Believe it or not, I was too drunk to eat, so I passed out with a steaming, teeming bowl of Boyardee parked next to my pillow. When the sun came up I opened my eyes, and that bowl of beautiful O’s was still there. Like a polite one night stand.

Lucky for me I was so dehydrated that I didn’t have to get up and pee. I just leaned over that lovely lukewarm meal and began shoveling in the morning light. When I was through, I rolled back over for a few more Z’s.

Life’s defining moments can be very delicious, indeed.


I found a recipe on the internet to make Spaghettio’s at home. It’s more work than stumbling into a bodega, but you won’t have to worry about the preservatives ravaging your children’s innards.

Here is the recipe for DIY Spaghettio’s:

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Total Time: 30 minutes

Yield: 4-6 adult servings, 6-8 child servings

  • 8 oz ditalini pasta (or other small pasta)
  • 2 Tablespoons olive oil
  • 2 cloves garlic, pressed
  • Pinch of crushed red pepper flakes
  • 15 oz can tomato sauce
  • 1 cup water
  • 1 Tablespoon tomato paste
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
  • 1/2 teaspoon granulated sugar
  • 4 Tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into pieces
  • 1/4 cup milk
  • 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese

Cook the pasta in a large pot of salted boiling water, to al dente (about 10 minutes).

Meanwhile, heat the olive oil in a Dutch oven or large saute’ pan over medium heat. Add the garlic and red pepper flakes and cook until just fragrant, about 30 seconds. Stir in the tomato sauce, water, tomato paste, salt, pepper, sugar and butter. Heat, while stirring, until the butter is melted. Slowly stir in the milk, then turn the heat to low. Simmer at low heat for 10 minutes.

Stir the shredded cheese into the soup until melted. Drain the pasta and transfer to a serving bowl. Pour as much of the tomato sauce into the pasta as desired; stir to combine. (I don’t like mine extremely soupy, so usually have about 1/3 cup of the sauce leftover.)

Notes: Looking for the convenience factor? Double the batch and freeze the rest for later. Heat on the stove top or in the microwave when you’re ready for that quick lunch or dinner!

UPDATE: my friend Renee sent me the below genius-ness. I’m still not sure if I want to eat this or sleep in it.


Behold Japan’s Monstrous Five-Patty Lotteria Burgers – Novelty Burgers – Eater National.

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