Archives for category: animal

robert-de-niro-nyc-taxi-cab-driver-license

When we first started hanging out, we had this obscene joke. That every time we got into a cab and the name on the license was any variation of Mohammed, we had to perform bits of sex on each other, that were decided before the actual hailing of the taxi, for the duration of the ride, no matter how near or far the destination.

There are so many cabbies named Mohammed…  or Mohamed, or Mohammad, or Mohammed, or Muhamad, or Muhamed, or Muhammad, or Muhammet or Mohamsandie.

We weren’t racist. We were just filthy pigs. And this is the most common name in the world. And since cabs are firstly for getting around in, and secondly for squeezing in everything you need to do before you get home… because you probably left take out containers in your bed, and floaters in your toilet…  you’re very welcome, New York;

The perfect game for perverts, like us.

 

 

 

margaburger

East Bay is Pig Latin for BEAST. I really wanted to find The Beast’s best burger, without having to follow any hipster foodie-type counseling.

I thought about taking on this very important task… but, I’m large. I can’t go around researching the quality of hamburgers while I still intend to fit my fat ass into an affordable compact vehicle.

That said, I believe I found the best hamburger in The Beast by accident.

My son and I met a group of persons that I enjoy on the patio at El Charro in Lafayette. I ordered a kids’ burger for my Prince who is all of three years old. The dish I ordered for myself was a complete abortion. I couldn’t even look down. While he was busy emptying the salt and pepper shakers, I counted 10 Mississippi.

Baby Boy just wasn’t hungry.

I dove in.

I had my very first Hamburgasm. It was the best burger I’ve ever had… (and I don’t care who you are. I’ve eaten more hamburgers than you.)

But, I mean, People… I was really very hungry… and we all know that Hunger is the bestest Chef of all the chefs.

So I went again last night. I watched in sick satisfaction as my little Prince completely ignored his meal. After the check was paid, I put that culinary work of art into my purse and hurriedly hauled my ass home. I waited an eternity for Baby Boy to fall asleep, so that El Charro Kid Burger and I could be alone. By the time that happened the bun was but a sponge, but it didn’t matter… because of that beloved beef patty.

That beef patty was everything.

…I believe the Holy Grail of Hamburgers is right here, in the belly of The Beast.

Have you ever had a tantrum over the closing of a restaurant?

My fat ass threw the mother of all fits when some killjoy told it that florent got bullied out of its lease at 69 Gansevoort Street. Some filthy animal wanted 30 G’s a month to keep the beauty alive.

Revolting.

My answer to this absolute blasphemy was to give the Meat Packing district, in its entirety, the HAND. I refused to grace its greedy blood soaked cobblestones with my adorable adidas EVER again.

(…until about six weeks later when some trick with significant shoulders offered to buy me a black and blue double porterhouse coupled with a bottomless Diet Coke.)

Guys! it was totally Field of Dreams. But so much more watchable.

Imagine:

The cornfield is a neglected parcel of lower Manhattan. Kevin Costner’s almost-as-boring-as-a-baseball-game character is, instead, played by a colorful Frenchman called Florent Morellet. Shoeless Joe Jackson comes, indeed… but he comes to 69 Gansevoort Street, and that barefoot bitch stays for nearly 23 years… in the form of the pinpoint perfect clientele. If every restauranteur could be so lucky; edgy celebrities, drunk drag queens, transgender prostitutes, and a hodge podge of insatiable late night lunatics.

…and the child that chokes herself unconscious on a hot dog?

…that’s my twentysomething ass.

Interpret that as you will, and let your sick mind meander… my floriend.

Yellow Period Food

Yellow Cake Fudge Squares

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup yellow cake mix
  • 1 cup confectioners’ sugar
  • 1/2 stick (1/4 cup) butter or margarine, cut into small squares
  • 1/4 cup milk or 1/8 cup soy milk
  • sprinkles (optional)

Instructions:

Mix cake mix and icing sugar in microwave-safe bowl. Add butter and milk. Don’t stir.

Microwave for 2 minutes. Stir immediately until completely combined. Add sprinkles. Do not overmix as sprinkle colour may bleed.

Spread into greased pan. Refrigerate for at least one hour.

* Makes one 6 x 6” container, or double for an 8 x 8” pan.
** Notes: If the batter comes out too runny, stir in about 1 tsp or sugar or cake mix at a time until stiff. If too thick to stir in all components, slowly add 1/2 tsp of milk at a time, but batter should be thick!

These are stills I found online of Multiple Maniacs, Mondo Trasho and Cry Baby mostly. Part Two will be photographs taken by me of my monitor as I am revisiting Polyesther and Female Trouble.

My to do lists are generally pretty bipolar.

 

the recipe for this deliciousness follows

the recipe for this deliciousness follows

Jiffy Corn Dogs:

I used 1 box Jiffy Corn Bread mix, 3 hot dogs (Cut in 1/6ths), and a mini cupcake pan. Prepare corn bread as box directs, fill muffin cups 2/3, press hot dog section in center, bake @ 400 for 15-20 min.

manmug

Men’s white cotton briefs are just better than regular boxers or the boxer-brief hybrid. Below is a list of reasons why this is not an opinion, but indeed, a fact. This list is compiled from things I already knew confirmed by the advertisements in the gallery that follows. You found ease in opening your legs. Try to do the same with your mind:

they are soft

they are honest

they don’t ride up

they show more thigh

they are designed for action

they have better sitting capacity

they give better scrotum support

they look cuter in a dresser drawer

they don’t fade in the wash, they only get softer

erections are showcased much more beautifully in briefs

they are usually white which enhances all skin tone types

they are cooler and hot guys need to feel comfortable, too

they look like underwear, whereas boxers look like lackluster shorts

they neatly wrap a package, making it more convenient to grab and hold

they are usually white which makes bleaching out skidmarks a no-brainer

the bigger the manhood, the bigger the peekaboo from the seam at the thigh

the coveted hip flexor muscle made famous by one Mark Wahlberg is still exposed

because the fabric is softer, receiving a wedgie wearing a pair briefs is less daunting

they boast buttocks better, prompting them to look riper, rounder and more bountiful

women are encouraged to wear skimpy underwear and people should practice what they preach

you can steal a bunch from your slampiece, cut them up and make a pillow that would be way softer than if you did the same thing with boxer shorts

the fabric of the brief is more porous which absorbs body odor better and retains it longer which is a very good thing if you are sleeping with the right person (you should be sleeping with the right person, if his body odor grosses you out then you are sleeping with the wrong person and you are a whore)

briefs went out of style in the nineties… and everything you wore in the nineties was stupid

think about it.

%d bloggers like this: